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[29 Dec 2009|09:48am] |
Come February I will be of age. I have to wonder if there is a way for me to just take my NEWTs and be done with it all. Give me sometime to study and just let me see how horrible I do or don't do. I know mother would insist it would be how well I did. The one thing she always did do was stick by my intelligence...mostly because she said I got it from her. I think that is what hurt her the most over the years before my death. She didn't understand how I could go from top of my year to barely scraping by. Mother was a hard read though it took me being committed to even realize the woman cared. It was just how she was.
I have been thinking rather hard on this and something Regulus told me keeps sticking. That which broke me before has been fixed. It is not as easy as declaring myself fixed but...I am sure my realization and acceptance of that is a step in the right direction. I just wish my parents were here. It isn't as if the Dolohovs aren't nice it is just I miss them. Father was always a comfort and it seemed as if with mother around nothing could hurt us with how strong and resolute she was.
[Private to Tracey]
I thank you for the present. It was very thoughtful of you.
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[24 Dec 2009|08:42pm] |
Reliving Christmas so soon is strange. I have been here going on two months and I died on Christmas Eve. It seems like only yesterday I was pulled from the freezing cold to begin a new here in this place. I am still very uncertain of what my purpose here is. A second chance at life? Why was it given to a fool that squandered it all away...threw it away even? What happens to those that did not want a second chance? Further more I have no idea why I am voicing such things for the world to read.
I am not sure if I will like what the answer will be but is there anyone out there that knows what happened to my family after my death? I find myself curious.
[Private]
Living with the Dolohovs is interesting. Mrs. Dolohov is a very sweet woman but I know what kind of man Mr. Dolohov is. I have read history books. I find myself wanting to know motivations of people. You can know someone's actions but it is the motivations behind it that make them meaningful...but I am just rambling.
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[07 Dec 2009|09:19am] |
One would think that being witches and wizards that someone could think of a way to make a sleeping potion not taste so wretchedly. Give me a room with a cauldron and I could easily have one made or at least well on the way if I no longer have to drink these wretched things.
[Private to Albus]
The Dolohovs have asked me to stay with them. It might be perminant or it might not. I'm not sure either way but someone was nice enough to actually ask for me rather than have me pushed upon them. Mrs. Dolohov seems like a rather nice woman. I am sure this won't last long before I am out on my ear. No one wants to deal with someone broken.
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[22 Nov 2009|10:31pm] |
From what I am being told I should have a perminant guardian soon. I am being taught how this place works in the mean time. It is a very strange place. I'm still not sure quite what to think of it. I doubt it will be much different from what I came from except mother and father aren't here and I replaced the only two people that cared for Albus.
I still can't sleep. I don't know why this is shocking. I haven't been able to sleep properly for years now. I should have put that under a privacy hex but I am sure those in charge will notice my lack of sleeping. They may very well alredy know about it. Other than the night I died I can barely remember a night I slept well. I can but it makes me feel guilty.
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[12 Nov 2009|02:22pm] |
I have been kept from Hogwarts till the Spring Term begins due to when I was pulled from. It was thought I could use some adjustment time. I doubt I could ever adjust to this. It is so foreign.
It is still being debated I suppose just where I will take residence since I am underage and have no family here. I find it rather strange no Malfoy has found their way here yet. They would probably love it here. I always was the family disgrace though. Didn't care about blood and was irrevocable fractured mentally. I am sure grandfather threw a party the day I died and forced mother and father to try again.
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[31 Oct 2009|12:26am] |
How does one get warm after just freezing to death? I am finding it rather difficult. No warming charm seems to be warm enough. I am shivering to the point my teeth are chattering. I am bundled up but some colds chill to the bone. Freezing to death it seems causes one of those chilled to the bone sorts of cold.
Understanding this place is another thing I am finding difficult. I always thought inside the realms of Christianity. I should be burning in hell. Being forced to live is not my idea of Heaven. I was rather hoping for the atheistic view where I would just slip away. Slipping away would be nice, I like to think. Free of the restrictions and burden of emotions, morality, conscious thought, to truly be free with no restrictions. It is hard for the mind to even fathom.
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